This will not be a poem or a rant in the way I usually channel my emotions, but more of an explanation of sorts. I have many now that follow my ramblings (a fact that still surprises me) and I thought this would let those that seem to care or at least have an interest know the reason for my moods of late.
I have a big heart, some will know that. I let someone in quite some time ago and they stole a major piece of that big old heart. I thought…. well, I always think too much it seems, no need to explain further to those that have read the swings in my mood before and since I came to this blog. Things were going well and then she let someone else into her life and it scarred deep. So many times I thought we had worked past that scar only to have him reappear at his convenience and open the wound yet again. Just when it seemed that it was over and done, he had hurt and disappointed her for the last time and she was cutting all ties, I actually thought maybe there was a chance, only to have her fall back once again.
One dear friend that knows a little of this asked me why I couldn’t either forgive her or forget her. Don’t think I haven’t asked those questions so many times, through the day and the night. Even I admitted that I cared too much, that maybe the only way to ever let go was to hate her. That is something I can say has only happened a couple of times in my life, just isn’t me. For the sake of letting her go on with whatever she needs to make her happy, to give her the space that she needs to explore why she hangs on to one that took advantage of her as no man should and yet she welcomes him back, well that to me is something that drew the line in the concrete, forget sand. With that, I find if I am ever going to have a chance to move on and maybe one day pick the pieces of my heart off the sidewalk where she left them, I need to work on me. I am not sure how long it will take for me to hate her, but if that is the only way to keep my fingers out of her life, so be it.
To the friends that read my ramblings, I hope you don’t feel all the pain that will be passing, only feel the hope that life can move ahead. I know that we all need a special person or purpose in life to keep our heads erect and imagine a future, I had that, it is gone… I search again.
Thank you for your reading and I hope to get the old Gray Poet back….